Saturday, August 20, 2005
For heavens sake...
I have thought of this space as being sacrosanct, and to find it spammed .... I cannot do much but kick and scream. &*%$@#$##$$!!!!!
Friday, August 05, 2005
The me I lost
I have been trying to write myself a statement of purpose. There is a lot of free advice on the net, some helpful, some incomprehensible and few downright outrageous. One of the former stated '...do not try the what I did with my life approach...'. I was annoyed in a way cause it blew off my last 15 attempts. But it did hit me hard 'cause looking back at the last 6-7 years I had realised a terrible truth, all I could see was a flurry of confused decisions and an existence in monotonous academics. I cannot really place a finger on the reason, but I can blame a number of things in utter disgust. Mostly, my single-minded approach to success. I was brought up to believe that life is not easy, life does not deal easy hands and more succintly, you make your own life.
When I got into engineering I thought that I had it sorted. It was time to put up my legs and take a break. I enjoyed this time I had over the past 3 years the best I could, trying to settle into this new mould, one which gave me a lot more room for myself. Living alone was perhaps the best part of it all. If anybody ever asks me the importance of hostel life I would say it puts people in the world. We step out of our secure shells and become part of a common existence. It can take many forms from a realisation of independence and the concomitant duties to the realisation of the lives that simply put, are not your own. It is in these experiences that I saw the things I had missed.
I met many people, some like me and some vastly different. All of us were at the same point in life. I had no other option but to believe that I picked the shorter straw. If people can have fun, adopt a nonchalant attitude to life and its so called struggles and still come out on top, have I been foolish in looking past all the enjoyment in living? It could just be dumb luck but whatever the case I cannot ignore the truth, I chose to grow up faster. It was my choice and now I feel like I have lost time, like those chaps who go to stars faraway.
But the quintessential question is, has my approach worked? Have I brought myself to succeed? And the answer unfortunately is that there is no success. All we have are short term goals and solutions ending in compromise. The fact is life is not about the carrot on the stick, it is about the neverending struggle to reach it.
When I got into engineering I thought that I had it sorted. It was time to put up my legs and take a break. I enjoyed this time I had over the past 3 years the best I could, trying to settle into this new mould, one which gave me a lot more room for myself. Living alone was perhaps the best part of it all. If anybody ever asks me the importance of hostel life I would say it puts people in the world. We step out of our secure shells and become part of a common existence. It can take many forms from a realisation of independence and the concomitant duties to the realisation of the lives that simply put, are not your own. It is in these experiences that I saw the things I had missed.
I met many people, some like me and some vastly different. All of us were at the same point in life. I had no other option but to believe that I picked the shorter straw. If people can have fun, adopt a nonchalant attitude to life and its so called struggles and still come out on top, have I been foolish in looking past all the enjoyment in living? It could just be dumb luck but whatever the case I cannot ignore the truth, I chose to grow up faster. It was my choice and now I feel like I have lost time, like those chaps who go to stars faraway.
But the quintessential question is, has my approach worked? Have I brought myself to succeed? And the answer unfortunately is that there is no success. All we have are short term goals and solutions ending in compromise. The fact is life is not about the carrot on the stick, it is about the neverending struggle to reach it.
The clouds of consciousness
During my stay in London probably the biggest luxury was the easy access to branded smokes. On one of my last cigarette I decided to write down my thought process.
Time has passed and it has been a week since this account. The place has changed and I find myself in the sweltering heat of Delhi. I think as I decided to put up this blog I wanted to put out the misery that I have borne for a larger part of my college life.
The reason I write this is far from the search for company. It is because the search has ended. My perception of her priorities mirrors my approach to life over the years. I want to shout out the futility of such a life. I want to shout out the importance of now . It is the now that I live in. It is the now that I want her to see, the now that has me in it.
The reason I write this is also because this cannot be explained over a conversation and also because I do not have the guts to do that. It is my frustration that speaks and only the written word can do justice to its angst. So the moral of the story, it is better to give the heart the wheel cause only then would life be complete.
A deep breath and I opened my eyes. The pungent fumes from my last Davidoff blew back with the cold moist air. The same that floats close to ground during the wet English summer. And I pull the laptop closer and begin.
For me, nicotine has been the ultimate stimulant. My mind races, breaches frontiers and commends ideas that are shot down the moment I hit reality. Throughout these trips I have had several useful insights, like the need felt by every beautiful person to dress up and conversely for every self-depracating individual to mock oneself in disgust. But all this while there has been one persistent thought. And it is time that I record these minutes of unrestrained deliberation.
A time comes in every no-fun idiot's life when he realises the need for company. In India for a majority, that of the opposite sex. This has also been a part of the last three years. A never ending debate on the need for a partner. But at this point my mature conscience steps in and questions the need for such an arrangement. The practical opinion being that now is too early to be looking for company, what purpose will it serve? These are questions that I cannot answer. These are matters that I might not really comprehend without experiencing them at least once. But as my brother once put it "Every man wants to be a casanova". That is perhaps the truth. It is only this yearning to make an impression on the opposite sex that makes the mind think in this direction. Maybe it is just the monotony of the past years that crashes down and the heart fights for its own time, time without the preoccupation with success. Time when the heart lives and the mind watches, just exist. Maybe....
I find myself slowing down....
Time has passed and it has been a week since this account. The place has changed and I find myself in the sweltering heat of Delhi. I think as I decided to put up this blog I wanted to put out the misery that I have borne for a larger part of my college life.
The reason I write this is far from the search for company. It is because the search has ended. My perception of her priorities mirrors my approach to life over the years. I want to shout out the futility of such a life. I want to shout out the importance of now . It is the now that I live in. It is the now that I want her to see, the now that has me in it.
The reason I write this is also because this cannot be explained over a conversation and also because I do not have the guts to do that. It is my frustration that speaks and only the written word can do justice to its angst. So the moral of the story, it is better to give the heart the wheel cause only then would life be complete.
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